and then i started to think about HOW one tries to sum up their notebook ledger to "living" - with all those standards instilled long ago - and i am baffled and humbled and sad and happy - if one can be all those things.....
so - happy grandparents day to all!
to alice - who married my grandpa farrell and was feisty and tiny and secretly forbidden.....you sent me a knitted quilt in college and were at my wedding.......and though you and my dad may have not gotten along - you treated me as YOUR grandkid and it you were ALWAYS involved - one of the best decisions in my life i ever made was to call you on New Year's Eve 2000 to try to reconnect..........and i miss you.........
to frank - my grandpa - the father of my dad and my awesome uncles and aunts - you died early in life - but a photo of you remains on my mantle - when i was born - and i remember crazy stories of you working for the rock island line - and there remains memories of crazy stories of you - perhaps- selling goods not legally...... i remember a porch full of tv's and telephone calls to move them ......i remember being in college when you died.....and i was sad for not knowing you better......you reminded me of johnny cash.....and to this day i wonder if my love for him is not some cross love for you.....and i miss you.....
to willis - my mom's dad - sometimes the ouch in my missing you creeps up at the farmer's market or the fishing lake.......you as well died too early - and your supreme generosity and love for fun and love for EVERYTHING steals a part of my heart and i am so grateful for all the fishing and snow-mobiling and your zest for pulling over on a rural road in wisconsin because you heard that they had fresh curds..........you smelled like fish and tomatoes and station wagon and cheese- your giving was free and without want...... how i miss you....
and to grandma seering - my monster at the end of the book - you gave me virginity slippers and recipes for pies and stories and confidence and a sense of history and love and uno and card games and pearls and a love for the earth and birds and easter cacti and your grandma smell which cannot be described......i remain loyal and full of love for knowing you and you raised the best mom and uncle of the planet and i secretly sniff your grandma smell from a wallet i have of yours when i am sad or lost........and when i smell YOU i feel like i know life's secrets - though unknown -i just know that life will shine its happy answer onto me....i miss you sooooooo much it aches.....
and to my parents -(my dad has died - this is directed more to mom) who both NEVER ONCE said a word about not being able to become grandparents - i am sorry that you are not.......but we are given what we get - and i remain the luckiest gal EVER to have the family i have and can only wonder....knowing in my heart that it is not about being a grandparent or even a parent - it is about loving who you have.........
so - live on - love on - and A BIG HURRAY TO ALL THE PARENTS AND GRANDPARENTS TODAY!!!! none of us would be us without you - THANKS!!
