SCOTT BAIO- YOU BASTARD- CHEESECAKE

One day in 6th grade we got an extra thrilling assignment to write about what our FANTASY WORLD would be like if we ever were to get one and live it and we were also told to draw a picture of it and the only other rule was that we could only have ONE other person in our FANTASY LAND and so I ran home and sharpened my pencils and arranged my crayons and started writing about how I would live on a cloud and this cloud would be made of cherry cheesecake and I would never be STUCK on the cloud for important events like birthdays and slumber parties because there was a RAINBOW SLIDE connected to home and on my cherry cheesecake cloud were palm trees because palm trees were exotic and I lacked the exotic and fancy even though I DID have a canopy bed with pink and lime patchwork fabric and because I would need liquid to survive on my cloud I had a water bubbler but instead of water you could press a whole bunch of buttons and get different flavored kool-aids like cherry or grape but never orange because orange was like that McDonald's orange drink which gave me sore throats and then - for comfort - I designed a giant HEART SHAPED BED that turned around and sparkled and played music like Beethoven and the B-52's and I was soon done with my composition but stumped on the other person to share with part and really I knew who it would be because I LOVED HIM - and I knew he LOVED ME - I spent all babysitting earnings on Tiger Beat and Teen Beat and memorized the gold cross necklace he wore and all the foods he loved to eat and so after a while I let the TRUTH - the FATE of my life take over and gently push me towards the union I would forever have with SCOTT BAIO and then I made my picture and used an eraser - which I NEVER used- to make sure all the drawings of palm trees and rainbows and heart shaped beds were perfect and when it came to the drawing of Scott and Me sitting on the bed I got stumped on drawing the faces so I unglued one of the photos of Scott's beautiful head from my window shade and pasted it on his body and then it dried and I didn't know what to do for my face and all I had was a 3x5 photo of me with my permed hair and buck teeth but it was almost time for bed and my picture to be done and so I glued my GIGANTIC HEAD next to Scott's proportionate peanut head and I knew I could win him over by my LOVE DECLARATION and so when we got our graded themes back there was no going back and so I sent it off in a homemade envelope made of his heads and sent it to the PRESIDENT of the Scott Baio Fan Club and for the next 3 months I would rush home and check the mailbox for I had NO DOUBT that he TOO was in LOVE with ME and then another 3 months went by and I notice I didn't like tape-recording the audio to Happy Days as much as I used to and then 3 MORE months go by and finally I throw myself on my canopy bed and listen to Air Supply's - I'm All Out of Love - and as I cry into my diary I realize that my quest was not one of FANTASY - and only one of FAN.

SCOTT BAIO - YOU BASTARD -CHEESECAKE

1 - 9 inch graham cracker crumb crust
8 oz cream cheese - softened
14 oz EAGLE Sweetened Condensed Milk (NOT evaporated)
1/3 cup Lemon Juice
1 TSP vanilla extract
Canned cherry pie filling - chilled

In large bowl, beat cheese until fluffy. Gradually add sweetened condensed milk - beatuntil smooth. Stir in lemon juice and vanilla. POur into crust. Chill 3 hours or until set. Top with desired amount of pie filling. Refrigerate leftovers.

Enjoy while NOT watching Happy Days or Charles in Charge!